I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
