Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
