if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
