Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
