i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
