C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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