he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
