xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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