shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
