well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
