it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
