Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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