Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just saw a hot homeless man
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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