my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm passing your future prison.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
