Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
