Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
