You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
