She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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