Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm bleeding and have questions
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
