I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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