Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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