well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
