I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
