chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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