sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
