His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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