I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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