my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wear drunk well.
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