When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
