i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
