I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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