he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize