um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
