I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
