i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
