my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
