i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
