fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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