Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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