You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
