She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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