I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize