Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(281): View more from Texas

I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me

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(801): View more from Utah

just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy

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(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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(415): View more from California

Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

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(210): View more from Texas

He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.

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(801): View more from Utah

Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.

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