Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
