This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
