woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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