K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
