My Higher Power is John Stamos
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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