I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
