Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
