im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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