Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize