so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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