She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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