last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
