apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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