i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize