the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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