I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
