just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
