You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
